i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
