yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
