im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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