Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
