Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
