Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it glows. i had to have it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
