I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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