I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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