Me. At least after what I've been through.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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