By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
