wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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