Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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