Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
