just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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