my phone needs a breathalizer
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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