I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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