I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
