My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize