Nicole vs. Life
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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