we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
