i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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