I accidentally burped into my bong.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
