I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
