it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
