Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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