the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
