That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
