My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
