Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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