last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize