Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
