i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
