My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize