Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize