remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
