WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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