Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
