Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize