Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
