Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
