Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
