Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
