our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
