I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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