I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
