Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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