why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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