Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
