I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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