I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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