Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
