I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
