I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
