He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
