i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
