Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
