There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
